a beautiful mess

House: “Hi dad.  I’ve been focusing on the wrong thing…there were some good times.”

Wilson: “See, he is getting better.”

“We lift even our disobedience into the arms of the father; he is strong enough to carry the weight.” – Richard Foster, Prayer

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this particular season of house is eclipsing all others; and the kingdom parables/analogies keep on emerging.

i have noticed a silver thread, thin and fragile, appearing over and over again these last few months: it is subtle and silent, but always there: and with each new day, it has been coming into focus as i lean in for a closer look. and there upon this silver thread are delicately embossed words.

tonight those words found clarity in the closing moments of house.

for months i have seen this thread blowing in the wind, rather, with the wind. it’s like, i could touch it, but could never embrace it fully. and now that GOD has chosen to give it up to me, i am in awe of the gracious monochromatic display of the whole thing: that is to say, it’s not flashy or fancy or complex or some massive truth.

it is clearly and wonderfully this message from my father: “speak simply to me and simply speak to me.”

[selah]

simply praying simple prayers. prayers that can only include all of who we are, not who we want to be, or even who we ought to be.

house is found in this state of simplicity: “dad, i’ve been focusing on the wrong thing.” wow! what a beautiful conversation starter. no pretense. no trying. just a simple declaration. and at that, my mouth curved with a smile as the words became clear: “speak simply to me and simply speak to me.” like house. like yeshua. like that.

and then he even takes it further, but keeping it near to the heart: “there were some good times.”

i think we, as disciples, have our good moments. but we also have those moments where we reach into history and pull out our genetic solutions: and we try to hide. we hide our fears, our hopes, our feelings and our questions. except, we’re not really hiding at all – we’re just deceiving ourselves; hiding implies that you are, in fact, hidden: and though there are times when GOD may withdraw our consciousness from his presence, he is never absent from us. we can never be hidden from him who dwells within us.

but we persist. in the hiding-but-not-really-hiding hiding. do we think that he can not handle what we have to say? do we think that he would crumple under the weight? or that he would be surprised at some great ball of confusion we can’t wrap our own minds around? or do we believe that he just wouldn’t understand?

and we preface things. and ammend our prayers. we conceal and appeal. we excuse and justify. we mumble through trying to find the “right” words to say.

“speak simply to me and simply speak to me.”

and when we reach that place, like house, of vulnerability and exposition, we reach a place of simplicity: we reach a place of freedom – oops, i dropped the f-word like it’s hot. it is. and we reach a place where healing floods our souls: we become better.

GOD. this is where i’m at right now. this is what i’m afraid of. this is what i’m feeling. this is what’s on my mind. i don’t get it, and i realize i don’t have to. it’s not about me getting anything, but about me giving everything to you.

oh to speak simply: deal with things at their face value: to become face-to-face (!*).

and it leads to even simpler, child-like prayers.

daddy. help.

[selah]

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despite my unbelief, i believe that who i am is a son of the only living god & king, YHWH [blessed be his name]. a son of the resurrection. a son of the wind which bends all things.

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