a beautiful mess

“Then they went from the wilderness to Mattanah…” – Numbers 21.18

“Welcome to the fallout / Welcome to resistance / The tension is here / The tension is here / Between who you are and who you could be / Between how it is and how it should be” – Jon Foreman, Switchfoot, Dare You To Move

–

I

to be an israelite is to wrestle.

as a person, formerly called by jacob, we see that he was a “heel-catcher”. that is to say, he was crooked and sneaky: for indeed, one must be bent over in order to catch someone’s heel: perhaps with the intention of “tripping them up”, either literally in chase or figuratively in life. however, upon spending his last night east of the jordan, he is changed. yes, after wrestling with GOD through the evening near the banks of the jabbok, he is changed. he is conquered and he is changed.

as an ancient nation, we continually see israel wrestling with her king of kings of kings, her god. she wants other kings, she gets other kings. she comes and she goes. she flees from love, only to return (or be brought back) as the king’s beloved to the courtyard of her lover. one long history of this wrestling: of learning what it is to know that GOD’s rule is good; GOD’s judgement is righteous; GOD’s reign is supreme.

at one point along her journey through the wilderness (a place without words), it is said that israel then went to mattanah.

mattanah. a latter station of the israelites just east of the jordan river.

mattanah. as a hebrew word, it means, a gift.

for out of the wilderness, they would receive a gift. to many rabbis it is indicative of the gift of torah – the way to live life to the fullest, a well delivering the water to sustain.

II

to become a follower of yeshua is to enter into the family history (read: tension) of wrestling, wilderness, and gifts.

what follower of yeshua exists that knows not what it means to wrestle? or wander? yea, though you look, you will not find one.

i have to continually remind myself that this is not wholly a bad thing, the wrestling and the wandering. for with each new dawning we are to be moving from the wilderness to mattanah.

to awake in a place without words: to be still. and come to know again, with a renewed passion, that there is but one god, YHWH. yes, to be reborn, as it were, into a place with no words, so we can come to hear more clearly the only WORD. to feel the tension, as jon foreman writes, between how it is and how it could be: and i am interpreting this in light of what GOD wants for his kingdom and how i am fulfilling my role in that: could there be one less hungry child because i fed them? could there be one more mustard seed planted because i took the time to listen?

that’s the tension i am talking about. it disturbs me. i want to be more than who i am, but never more than I AM.

and in this tension, we wrestle. oh that we may receive the reward of wrestling with GOD: that we be conquered like jacob was conquered! and how was he conquered? he was thoroughly conquered when he realized that he could not defeat GOD – but he would not let go either…

[selah]

what a vision that is. not letting go. what a gift to reach the end of the day and be blessed by GOD for not letting go of him, despite the exhaustion, the wrestling, the sweat and the tears.

may we all, today, hook shields as we journey from the wilderness to mattanah.

–

despite my unbelief, i believe that who i am is a son of the only living god & king, YHWH [blessed be his name]. a son of the resurrection. a son of the wind which bends all things.

More From abeautifulmess

• making moonshine or a philosophy of ministry, b
• lost symbols of the kingdom
• welcome to the new